Communication Problems

Communication Apprehension

Four Responses

Communication Problems

4 Barriers

• Defensiveness: excessive concern with protecting oneself from being hurt.
• Motivational Distortion: believing what one wants to hear.
• Self-Preoccupation: being so self-absorbed, one cannot possibly listen to anyone else.
• Game-playing: concealing real motives for selfish reasons
• Collusion: unspoken agreement between couples to deny a problematic reality.

Interpersonal Conflict

Beliefs about Conflict

Interpersonal Conflict

Conflict when Dealt with Constructively

• Brings problems out into the open
• Ends chronic discontentment in relationships
• Leads to new insights

Interpersonal Conflict

5 Types of Conflict

Styles of Managing Conflict

Two Dimensions

Styles of Managing Conflict

5 styles

1. Avoidance/Withdrawing: low concerns for self and others

Result: delays inevitable clash

2. Accommodation: low concern for self, high concern for others

Result: can lead to resentment

3. Competing/Forcing: high concern for self, low concern for others

Result: can lead to post-conflict tension; resentment.

4. Compromise: moderate concern for self, moderate concern for others

Result: pratical and constructive solution

5. Collaboration: high concern for self, high concern for others

Result: finds solution to maximize both sides satisfaction, most productive

Dealing Constructively with Conflict

General Principles

(in book, not notes)

Dealing Constructively with Conflict

Explicit Principles

• Make communication honest and open.
• Phrase statements about annoying habits using specific behaviors, not global traits.
• Dont use "loaded" words (negative)
• Take a positive approach
• Limit complaints to certain instances
• Assume responsibility for feelings and actions
• Be aggressive in communication

Nature of Assertiveness

Assertive, Submissive, Agressive

Assertiveness: "acting in your own best interests by expressing your thoughts and feelings directly and honestly.

Submissive Communication:

• "giving in" to others
• often feel like "push overs"

Aggressive Communication:

• DIFFERENT from assertiveness
• Saying and getting what you want at the expense of others

Steps in Assertive Training

How to be Correctly Assertive

5 Steps

1. Understand assertive communication (don't forget nonverbal cues)
2. Monitor your assertiveness
3. Observe a model's assertiveness
4. Practice assertiveness (fantasize, roleplay)
5. Adopt an assertive attitude

Close Relationships

Ingredients, Paradox, Forms

Close relationships are:

• Important
• Interdependant
• Long-lasting

Culture and Relationships

Individualistic vs. Collectivistic Cultures

Cultures vary with their emphasis on romantic love.

Individualistic Cultures:

• Western societies
• Place more emphasis on love
• Believe in marriage for love
• Higher divorce rates

The Internet and Relationships

Internet Relationships

Are vitual relationships as close as face-to-face relationships?

• Proven to be closer and more stable than traditional relationships.
• Because online relationships are anonymous, they encourage honesty as they eliminate risks of self-disclosure (assuming the person is being honest)

Initial Attraction and Relationship Development

Initial Attraction

3 factors

Proximity:

• geographic, residential, and other forms of closeness.
• people tend to form acquaintances/relationships with people they live, play or are near

Physical Attractiveness

Physical Attractiveness

• Important factor in dating and relationships
• Research shows gender differences on attractiveness have been exaggerated.
• Cross cultural studies show that personal qualities (intelligence) tend to be ranked as more important.
• Unattractive body seems to be worse than an unattractive face.

Physical Attractiveness

Facial Features

In Women:

• "Baby face" features (large eyes, small nose) 
• +
• "Mature" features (prominent cheekbones, flushed lips)
• =
• Youth and fertility

Physical Attractiveness

Physique for Men and Women

What men emphasize during dating vs. women

For Women:

• Average weight
• Hourglass figure
• Medium-sized breasts
• Ideal: .7 waist-to-hip ratio
• Waist-to-hip ratio indicates fertility
• Emphasis on thinness is more culturally based
• Models have gotten skinnier over the years, but the waist-to-hip ratio remains between .68-.72

Physical Attractiveness

Matching Hypothesis

Matching Hypothesis:

• People with similar levels of physical attractiveness gravitate towards each other, and will more likely be together.

Physical Attractiveness

Exchange Based Theory

David Buss

Exchange Based Theory:

• In heterosexual couples, males "trade" occupational status for physical attractiveness in females.

Physical Attractiveness

Parental Investment Theory

• Women choose mates that will supply resources that are needed to care for offspring for many years.
• Men have sex with numerous women because less time/energy/and risk is associated.
• Women are not as interested in uncommited sex due to the time/energy and risk involed.
  • May get pregnant, have to care for children

Getting Acquainted

3 Factors

Recipricol Liking: liking those who show that they like you (playing hard to get is not advised)

Similarity: people are drawn to those who are similar to them

• Sexual orientation, attitudes, beliefs, ideas, age, race, religion, values

Established Relationships

Relationship Maintenance

Minding

Relationship maintenance: involves the actions and activities used to sustain the desired quality of a relationship.

Minding: active process which involves...

• Using good listening skills
• Knowing your partner's opinions
• Making positive attributions about partner's behavior
  • explanation for causes of behavior
    • friend hung up because her phone died vs. friend hung up because shes a BITCHH
• Expressing trust and commitment
• Recognizing partner's support and effort
• Being optimistic about future of relationship

Relationship Satisfaction and Commitment

Interdependance/Social Exchange

Theory: the decision whether to stay in a relationship or not is based on a comparison between the costs and benefits. If the benefits outweigh the costs, then the person is most likely going to stay in the relationship.

Relationship Satisfaction and Commitment

Comparison Level

Comparison Level for Alternatives

Investments

Comparison Level: our satisfaction is based on our personal standard of what constitutes an acceptable balance of rewards and costs in a relationship. Taken from both personal experience and what we see in other's relationships.

Comparison Level for Alternatives: ones estimation of the available outcomes if they were out of the relationship

Investments: things people contribute to relationships that they cannot get back.

More investments = stronger attachment

Example: time, energy, emotion

Friendship

What makes a good friend?

Basis, discussion topics

• Good friends provide emotional and social support.

Friendship

Limits on Male Friendships

• Men have more intimate relationships in other countries.
• However, in the U.S.:
  • Men are less intimate because of their limits due to gender-role expectations
  • Less self-disclosure, more self-sufficiency
  • Fear of homosexuality
  • Men see each other as competition.

Romantic Love

Myths about Love

• "When you fall in love, you'll know it".
• "You have no control when love strikes."
• "True love lasts forever."
• "Love can conquer all problems."

Romantic Love

Sexual Orientation and Love

Sexual Orientation: a person's preference for emotional and sexual relationships with individuals of the other gender (heterosexuals), the same gender (homosexuals) or either gender (bisexuals).Majority of studies about love suffer from heterosexism

• Majority of studies suffer from heterosexism: the assumption that all relationships are heterosexual.
• As a result, little is known about homosexuality.
• Little research shows though that homosexual couples are very similar to heterosexual ones.

Romantic Love

Gender Differences

• Contrary to the stereotype:
  • Men are more romantic than women
  • Men fall in love more easily than women
• In fact:
  • Women are more selective in choosing a partner (supports the 'parental investment theory')

Romantic Love

Sternberg's Theory of Love

According to Sternberg's triangular theory of love, all loving relationships are comprised of three components:

1. Intimacy: warmth, closeness, and sharing.
2. Passion: the intense feelings (both positive and negative), and sexual desires
3. Committment: the decision and intent to maintain a relationships even when difficulties and costs arise.

Romantic Love

Hazan and Shaver's Attachment Theory

Hazan and Shaver examine attachment styles, which are typical ways of interacting in close relationships.

Examine similarities between adults love and infant attachment:

1. 55% of subjects were secure adults: 
   • Childhood: parents were warm and caring, typical ideal parent
   • Adulthood: comfortable with other people, can easily become close to others
2. 25% of subjects were avoidant adults:
   • Childhood: parents were distant and cold, child was not first priority
   • Adulthood: untrusting, uncomfortable around others, not as intimate
3. 20% of subjects were anxious/ambivalently attached:
   • Childhood: parents were inconsistent, sometimes loving, sometimes not
   • Adulthood: clingy, constantly worrying if they are worthy or good enough

Romantic Love

Bartholomew and Horowitz Model

2 Determining Factors

Developed a four-category model of adult attachment styles:

1. Secure

2. Preoccupied (anxious-ambivalent)

3. Avoidant-dismissing

4. Avoidant-fearful

Determined by 2 factors:

1. Attachment Anxiety: how much a person fears that a partner will not be there when needed
2. Attachment Avoidance: the degree to which a person distrusts their partner's good will and their tendency to maintain emotional distance from their partner.

Romantic Love

Correlation of Attachment Styles

Interdependent people: securely attached and have more committed, satisfying, interdependent and well-adjusted relationships.

Securely attached people seek and provide support when under stress.

Securely attached people have better mental health.

Romantic Love

Stability of Attachment Styles

Longitudinal studies show moderate stability over the first 19 years of life, and later into adulthood. 

• tend to parallell those from infancy

However, attachment styles can be altered by both positive and negative life events.

Romantic Love

The Course of Romantic Love

(Sternberg's theory)

Theory predicts that the strength of the three components varies across time:

• Passion in relationships fades over time- starts off high and lowers in intensity
• However, both intimacy and commitment build gradually as time goes on.

Romantic Love

Why Relationships End

1. Premature commitment (getting married too early)
2. Poor conflict/resolution management
3. Boredom
4. A more attractive relationship becomes available

Romantic Love

Helping Relationships Last

• Take plenty of time getting to know each other before making a long term comittment.
• Emphasize the positive qualities in your partner and relationship.
• Make self-disclosure a priority
• Work on conflict-management

Loneliness

Nature of Loneliness

Loneliness: "occurs when a person has fewer interpersonal relationships than desire, or when they are not as satisfying as desired."

Different types:

1. Emotional loneliness: absence of an intimate attachment figure.
2. Social loneliness: lack of a social network
3. Transient loneliness: brief disruptions to social network
4. Chronic loneliness: inability to establish social networks over several years.

Loneliness

Prevalence of Loneliness

Most prevalent among:

• The young adults (especially homosexual teens)
• Single, divorced, widowed adults
• Individuals whose parents have been divorced

Loneliness

Consequences of Loneliness

Roots of Loneliness

• Painful thoughts 
• Can lead to severe depression
• Can lead to poor physical and psychological health

Loneliness

Correlates of Loneliness

1. Often shyness: discomfort, inhibition and excessive caution in interpersonal relations is associated with loneliness.

• timid in expressing themselves
• over self-conscious about other's opinions
• embarrass easily
• experience anxiety

2. Poor social skills: seem to prefer soliatry activities, may be anxious about interaction

• Evaluate others negatively
• show low responsiveness to conversational partners
• share less about themselves

3. Self-Defeating Attributional Style: thinking negatively about social situations so they behave in ways that confirm their negative expectations.

• engage in more negative self-talk and foster lonely ideas

Loneliness

Conquering Loneliness

Chronic loneliness is associated with various mental and physical health problems

Can be overcome by trying the following:

• Use the internet to avoid anxiety from face-to-face convos.
• Avoid the temptation to withdraw from social situations
• Work on conversational skills
• Work on positive self-talk
• Seek help from a counselor

Challenges to Marriage Models

Marriage and Traditions

Marriage: The legally and socially sectioned union of sexually intimate adults.

Traditionally:

• People have economic interdependence and combine their finances
• Have a common residence and live together
• Have sexual fidelity and do not cheat
• Have shared responsibility for their children

Marriage

2 Challenges to Traditional Marriage

(more on next slide)

Social trends that challenge traditional marriages:

1. Increased acceptance of singlehood and later martial age (since the 1960s, marital age has increased.

2. Increased acceptance of cohabitation: living together in a sexually intimate relationship but not bonded by marriage. 

• People who cohabitate before marriage are usually less satisfied with their marriage.
• External commitment: things that make it where you cannot separate.
• Internal commitment: internal desire to be with them because you care about them.

Marriage

Challenges to Traditional Marriage

3. Reduced premium on permanence

• the stigma of divorce has decreased so now about 50% of marriages end in divorce
• people enter marriages knowing they can get out of them

Moving Towards Marriage

Motivations

• There is a desire to participate in a mutually rewarding, intimate, legally and socially snactioned relationship. 
• People want the law to recognize their relationship.
• There is great social pressure to adhere to the norm.

Marriage

Selecting a Mate

Different Types of Marriage

Selecting a mate is influenced by:

Monogamy: the practice of having one spouse at a time.

• The social norm in the US

Mate Selection

Gender and Mate Selection Preferences

Women/Men

Women: place more value on a potential mate's financial stability, socio-economic status, ambition, and intelligence.

Men: place more value on youthfulness, attractiveness, and interest in raising a family.

Universal traits: kindness, emotional stability, dependability, and a pleasant disposition

Mate Selection

Murstein's Stimulus-Value-Role (SVR) Theory

Couples move though three stages:

1. The stimulus value stage: is there initial attraction? (If yes, move to stage 2)

2. The value comparison stage: are your values compatible? (If yes, move to stage 3)

3. The role stage: consider whether the other person fulfills the role of an romantic partner (If yes, you become a couple)

Marriage

5 Predictors of Marital Success

1. Family Background: people with divorced parents or family members are more likely to get divorced.

2. Age: People who marry very young and very late have higher divorce rates

3. Length of Courtship: the longer a couple is together before they are married, the more likely they will get divorced

4. Personality: People who are insecure and perfectionists are more likely to divorce.

• People must turn to perspective taking, where the empathize with the other partner in order to adjust.

Marital Adjustment

Across the Family Life Cycle

The family life cycle: an orderly sequence of developmental stages that families tend to progress through.

McGoldrick's Model- Divided into six distinct stages

McGoldrick's Model

First 3 Stages

Stage 1: Between Families: The Unattached Young Adult

• Young adults in process of becoming independent from parents.
• When marriage is postponed- this stage lasts longer.

McGoldrick's Model

Last 3 Stages

Stage 4: Family With Adolescent Children

• Hardest stage of parenting
• Lowest point of marital satisfaction
• Conflict is most likely between the adolescent and the mother
• In addition, parents are also caring for their own parents at the same time- "the sandwich generation"

Gaps in Role Expectations

Change in Women's Roles

Work and Career Issues

Work and Marital Adjustment

Husband and wives juggle the demands of work and family responsibilities.

Spouses stress at work can have a negative impact on marital satisfaction.

However, there are positive effects to both spouses have jobs: more income, more to relate to.

There are few differences in male-bread winning couples and dual career couples. In fact, marital satisfaction is higher when both spouses have jobs.

Work and Career Issues

Parent's Work and Child's Development

Although parents worry about what effect juggling careers and family responsibilities will have on a childs development...

There is little evidence that both parents having jobs has a large impact on a childs development.

Also, there is little evidence that a mother having a job is harmful to her child. Actually makes the child more self-dependent and less reliable.

Marital Adjustment

Financial Difficulties

Poverty can produce numerous marital problems.

Can Cause:

• Mental health effects
• Increased hostility in husbands
• Increased depression in women
• Lower marital satisfaction in both spouses

Marital Adjustment

Inadequate Communication

Communication problems are most prevalent among couples who are getting divorced/are divorced.

In addition:

Unhappy couples..

• Find it difficult to convey positive messages
• Misunderstand each other more often
• Don't recognize that they have been misunderstood.
• Use more negative messages
• Prefer different amounts of self-disclosure

Marital Adjustment

Four Horsemen +1

Goatmen's Four Horsemen (+1): predicted which couples would divorced based on these communication problems:

1. Contempt: Communicating insulting feelings that partner is inferior.

2. Criticism: Negative partner evaluation

3. Defensiveness: Obstructive communication

4. Stonewalling: Refusing to listen/communicate

5. Belligerence: Combative, provocative communication

Divorce

Divorce

Reasons

Divorce rates have been declining, but they are still a matter of concern.

Most divorces usually occur during the first 10 years of marriage due to:

• Communication difficulties
• Cheating/Infedelity
• Jealousy
• Growing Apart
• Foolish spending habits

Divorce

Deciding on a Divorce

Effects on children

The decision to divorce is complex and usually the result of a series of smaller events that unfold over a long period of time.

Both divorce and unhappy marriages can be stressful and traumatic.

Remaining in an unhappy marriage can be detrimental- can cause anxiety, depression, drug disorders

Better for children for unhappy parents to divorce than for children to live in a home where parents are unhappy.

However, divorce has a large impact on children: anxiety, depression, bad dreams, extends into adulthood with own relationships.

Divorce

Adjusting to Divorce

Income wise

• Divorce seems to be more difficult for women than men, especially if there are children.
• Men often have more financial stability in the marriage.
• Women's incomes tend to decrease due to caring for the children.
• Men's incomes tend to increase due to more time at work and flexibility of hours.

Divorce

Adjusting to Divorce

Favorable and Unfavorable Factors

High preoccupation with an ex-spouse tends to lead to poorer adjustment.

Favorable Factors:

• Getting re-married
• Having more positive feelings about the divorce
• Being the partner who initiated the divorce
• Having higher income

Divorce

Effects of Divorce on Children

After a divorce, children may exhibit:

• Internalizing problems: anxiety, depression, nightmares, dependency on one parent
• Behavior Problems: aggression, social withdrawal, distractibility, precautious sexual behavior, substance abuse
• Lowered academic performance
• Reduced physical health

Divorce

Remarriage

Approximately 3/4 of people get remarried after divorce.

However, divorce rates are lower for second marriages.

Children often do not adjust well to remarriages- strained and stressful relationships between step parents and making new adjustments

Alternatives to Marriage

Remaining Single

There is a lot of pressure to marry in our society- however, more people are remaining single.

Factors contributing:

• Increased age at which people marry.
• Increased divorce rate so people become single again.

Alternatives to Marriage

Cohabitation

Tremendous increase in cohabitation over recent years.

• Many couples use cohabitation as a sort of "trial marriage".
• However, cohabitation before marriages tends to result in less happier marriage, rather than more success.

Alternatives to Marriage

Gay Relationships

• About 5-10% of the world population is homosexual.
• Societal dissaproval
• Are generally not supported by the social world
  • Absence of social legitimization, support and legal protection.
  • Absence of societal roles for each partner
• Face a ton of discrimination and abuse

Alternatives to Marriage

Gay Relationships vs. Heterosexual Couples

Gay relationships, in truth, are not very different from heterosexual ones.

They both have:

• Similar levels of love and commitment.
• Simialr levels of satisfaction (sexual and overall)
• Same predictors of satisfaction and contributors to dissolution (what they want out of a relationship)
• Same sources of conflict

Alternatives to Marriage

Misconceptions about Gay Relationships

1. Gays adopt traditional gender roles in union (men are "masculine" and "feminine")

• Only true sometimes
• Men seem to be more flexible in their gender roles

Understanding Intimate Violence

Intimate Violence

Intimate violence-" aggression in a close relationship towards the aggressor."

Can take many forms:

1. Psychological Abuse

2. Physical Abuse

3. Sexual Abuse

Two common types are Partner Abuse and Date Rape.

Intimate Violence

Date Rape

Date rape-" refers to the _____ and _____ intercourse in the context of dating.

• Can occur on the first date, second date, between married couples
• Typically physical or verbal abuse is used

• 80% of rape is comitted by acquaintances.
• 13-30% of women will be raped sometime in their lives.
• Over 50% of rapes occur in a dating context.
• Most victims are between 16-24 years old.

Date Rape

Contributing Factors

• Alchohol and drugs:
  • Both men and women admit to being more likely to engage in seuxal behaviors when drunk.
  • Date rape drugs (rohypnol) are used more
• Sexual Standards:
  • Norms indicate that men should initiate sex
  • Men are more sexually inclined, women are more inclined to reject invitation
• Miscommunication
  • Practical reasons (pregnancy)
  • Inhibition reasons (emotional)
  • Manipulative reasons (playing hard to get)

Date Rape

Offender Characteristics

Date Rape

Situational Factors

Date rape is more likely if:

• the man knows the woman (FAMILIARTY)
• they are in a more isolated setting (ISOLATION)
• they have had consensual sex in the past (CONSENSUAL SEX)
• the man has mispercieved the woman's interest in sex in the past (MISCOMMUNICATION)

Date Rape

Reducing the Incident of Rape

R.A.P.I.S.T acronym

1. Recognize date rape as a crime.

2. Beware of excessive Alchohol and drug use, which may lower inhibitions.

3. Be Prepared to act aggressively, if the rapist will not listen to refusals.

4. Identify potential rapists- look for their characteristics

5. Set the situation- only go to public places and carry enough money.

6. Talk about sex- make sure there is no miscommunication.

Intimate Violence

Partner Abuse

Physical abuse: kicking, hitting, grabbing

Emotional abuse: humilation, embarrassment, control

Sexual abuse: using sex as a method of control and manipulation.

Partner Abuse

Incidence and Consequences

• 25% of women and 7% of men have been physically assaulted by an intimate partner.

Partner Abuse

Characteristics of Batterers

Risk factors associated with domestic violence:

• Unemployment
• Alcohol and drug problems
• Tendency to become jealous and possesive
• High stress
• Exposed to violence as a child
• Low self-esteem
• Having attitudes that condone aggression

Partner Abuse

Why do women stay??

• Fear of financial hardship
• No residence to go to
• They feel guilty and shamed, and do not want to face family and friends.
• They fear that leaving will cause more severe abuse or murder.