How rules emerge.

• Some rules copied from FOO; some influenced by external sources. 
• Courtship begins process of rule discovery and negotiation. 
• Can cause future problems if only one person dominates.  
• Often assume that our rule collection is the "right way" to do things.  
• Rules may appear after trial, error, conflict resolution and adopting what "works" for them.  
• Key is ability to adapt rule structures as group members mature and change.

Accountability: hold members accountable for actions within and outside the family.

Boundaries: help define and dictate how permeable family and subsystems can be.  

-Example: At home, if bedroom door is shut, can you interrupt? 

    -Example: How much do you reveal about family in public? 

Distance Regulation- Managing patterns of separateness and connectedness.  

    - Rules tell us how and when we should be close and when we should be separate.  

Resource Allocation- how resources should be divided up; how money should be spent, rules about space and time.  

Responsibility- designated authority (who's in charge of what and when?)  

Implementation- How to get things done.  

   -Example: Family with paradigm of achieving academic excellence has rules about studying (when and how) 

• Exceptions- Allow systems to deal with unexpected.  

 - Example: Important to study for academic excellence but athletic child is allowed to spend more time on sports.  

Rules about violations- what happens if a family member violates the rules? What are the consequences? 

Explicit and implicit rules.

• Explicit Rules- Recognized, acknowledged and known by the family; usually formalized (example: curfew at midnight) 

      - Implies: Two or more people have discussed the need, it is a long term action over time and it helps regulate the flow within the system.  

• Implicit Rules- hidden and submerged, they have not been discussed; very powerful.  

      - Take on a status of never questioned; "The way things are".  

      - Example: Only positive or good topics can be discussed in the family. 

Rule Sequences- Implicit Interactions that gradually develop into patterns of interaction.  

        - Can empower families to attain goals and create patterns of      efficiency.  

        - Can create communication problems and cause low self-esteem and shame and guilt.  

- Example: only time parents act together is when teaming up against rebellious son.      

 -Example: Death cannot be talked about; if topic arises, someone steps in to offer a diversion.  

Cyclic patterns of Rule Sequences 

      - Example: parent has bad day at the office and criticizes second parent; second parent takes anger out on child; child takes anger out on sibling.  

              - most of the time families are unaware they are choosing such pattern-like behavior.  

• Patterns help us understand the family paradigm and what they believe is important.  
• Can become aware of sequences: Think sequences or cycles rather than individuals.  

Healthy Rules Sequences

• Example: Parents get up early so they can express affection for their child before beginning the day; can start cycle of being more pleasant and listening to one another.  

Strategies for managing rules:  Developmentally appropriate rules, rule rigidity, etc.

Developmentally Appropriate Rules-

Effective at one stage but not at another stage 

• Difficult to change rules that are closely tied to family ideologies 

Rule rigidity-

 Not enough flexibility in rules or resistant to change.  

• Rules may have made more sense at one time 
• May feel that changing rules means chaos. 

Disabling rules-

 can cause members to interact in unhealthy or damaging ways.,  

• Example: rule legitimizing hitting of another member by those who are bigger or stronger.  
• Example: labeling individuals as having little value in the system. 

Metarules and how rules can be changed

• Rules about rules: how rules are created, elimination of old rules and changing rules.  

Example: In families with young children, typically have metarules that parents, not children, make rules.  

• Often do not have a metarule for how to change rules; tend to become stuck.  
• Therapy facilitates development of rules for change.  
• Can change by talking about rules: what can be done?

• Primary task- establish a message system of rules for communication.  
• Gives the couple's relationship its distinctive quality.  
• Helps organize strategies that are needed to face tasks and issues in relationship.  
• Influences how the couple feels about the relationship. 

Define “communication” and “message” (content level; relationship level)

Communication- symbolic translational processes through which we create and share meanings.  

• Employ symbols in the form of words and nonverbal cues with shared meaning.  
• Communication system- it is interdependent; we influence and are influenced by the other.  

Message- information that is exchanged when we communicate.  

• "content level"- what is communicated.  
• "Relationship level"- how content is communicated; commentary on relationship. 

Meta-messages

Information conveyed in how a message is expressed (message about the message) 

• Information about the self, the other and the relationship is being exchanged on the Meta-Level.  

Framing-

   Meaning attributed to a meta-message that accompanies a literal message.  

• A personal, subjective process, framing explains how misunderstandings occur.  

• Miscommunication- Intent does not match manner in which it was framed. 

• Context- physical and social environment influences communication.  
• Interpersonal needs and self-esteem- When we are feeling confident, more likely to communicate directly.  
• Culture and ethnicity
• Family of origin- affects communication styles, support and intimacy