tenticles don't let anything escape, and we dont wish to escape

the family is one head with many hand that both embrace (feels good at first and to a certain extent) and ensnare (can get too tight and restrictive) us. the tenticles represent intimacy. it is difficult to define

this dyadic perspective dominates all research and definitions

mother-daughter

husband-wife

brother-sister

parent-chid

What are the two problems with studying intimacy in dyads?

The term intimacy is very ambiguous 

-semantic -> all over the place in what it means

-operationalization -> how to study and apply it if we can't agree on what it means

this is a problem! if it is defined in research you cant draw comparisons between studies

1. Declarations of Commitment -> "I love you, I love our life together" women do this more than men and favor it as a type of communication

2. Positive Absolute Statements -> "I love you the most", "you are the best sister ever", long term happily married couples tend to distort their perceptions and comments in a pos. manner, idealizing comments expressing intimacy

3. Private Language -> "understood" components, relational partners exhibit their interdependence with one another, idosyncratic talk, private language (nicknames, investing ordinary words with personal meaning, invented language, inside jokes, talk about others in their presence, "twinspeak"

4. Messages of Comfort and Support -> intimates are expected to extend help when it is needed, support you no matter what, can rely on them for comfort and support, if 10% of comm is nuturing the family is considered a healthy one-memebers  feel valued, when members experience stress they turn to family, a couples skill with comforting messages is a crucial barometer of intimacy and each partners ability to manage this style of comm will have a lot to do with how relationship is maintained

problems: family members may be too close to the problem, a certain emotional contagion may occur, the burden may become too great for family members (parents talking to kids about divorce)

comforting language is used to allieviate pain

-2 types of support  

Instrumental---doing tasks for people during stressful times--food, laundry, cleaning the house, etc.
 
Emotional support--verbal and nonverbal behaviors/tactics employed to help individuals cope. Verbal and nonverbal messages that can help the individual coping with loss (the examples in class--I understand, I am here for you, If there is anything you need from me, etc)

5. Playfulness -> characterizes emotionally healthy relationships, one way for fathers to be intimate with kids, intimate couples exhibit play rituals -kidding, teasing, silliness, banter, often a way to cope

6. Nonverbal Intimacy and Sexuality -> a sense of access to the physical space of intimate partners characterizes intimate relationships, nonverbal intimacy concerns participants ability to read or decode the signals accurately, wives are better at decoding husbands nonverbals than vice versa, touch is the language of physical intimacy, know what the other person is thinking, sexual comm-sex and talking about sex

7. Self-Disclosure -> what you choose to reveal about yourself, new private info, SOCIAL PENETRATION THEORY (onion ring) - the more you reveal about yourself the more the other will reveal, there are different levels (superficial to personal disclosure)

-rituals, dinners, assistance with tasks, conversations, advice

yes females like to talk and share boys like to help and do actions

the feminine model is dominant and what has been studied, but it is different in diff cultures, and males express intimacy differently

the capacity to influence anothers goals, rules, roles, and/or paterns of comm, get less resistance

-family members with power gain compliance and/or change the behaviors, beliefs, opinions, and values

1. power may or may not be exercised

2. power is perceptual

-relational power -parent/child

-dependence power - the person that is more willing to end the relationship has more power

unproductive, anti social, short term 

1. Assigned/Legitimate ->(mom) put your coat on because i said so

2. reward -> if you get all a's you get $100

3. coersive -> punishment, if you don't do this, then this will happen

productive, prosocial, more beneficial to the relationship, more compliance, long term

4. referent -> liking and association (could you do this for me please?)

5. expert -> skills/knowledge, "i got an A in algebra", if you have credibility or ethos you have a lot of power!

you want them to identify and internalize them

-gender, income, age, if people listen to you or not, track record, through abuse, the one who has more alternatives to leave the relationship

those who have the power get to make the decisions, change values, presuade,

-Interaction, interdependence, incompatible goals, interference

a process whereby family members perceive disagreement about goals. process vs perceptioin

process -> develops over time, as families change over time so do their conflict episodes

children exposed to conflict can develop aggression, depression, can effect GPA,

help clarify family boundaries and foster interdependence

can be destructive (perpetual) - when it escalates and confuses family problems - rooted in conflicting values, roles, and personality issues, they recur because they arent easily solved

can be productive though (solvable) - those that a family can solve with the right communication tactics and responses

people are bringing more issues out, sharing feelings, solving problems, builds up -> bigger fights

-less agreement about sex roles, used to be mom stayed home, dad worked, not this way anymore

-traditional sex roles are no longer accepted, each family negotiates responsibilities, greater interchangeability of roles, men can stay home while women work

-kids are being raised differently -> more freedoms, more say in decisions

-more technology -> fight over, comm diff

-less respect of authority figures

-hard economic times

prevailing view in middle class america is that family members confront each other

culture/ethnic differences affect how famiies manage conflict (collectivism vs. individualistic)

-researchers sometimes simplify the conflict process (clear goals and definite rules)

-social desireability effect, nonverbal cues you dont know

-marital conflict that is extended and openly hostile can be problematic

-children develop aggressive, externalizing (acting out) behavior

-some depression (associated with divorce)

-related to aspects of childs competence including cognitive and social competence and GPA (parents are more focused on conflict rather than helping child, give model of fighting things rather than fixing problems), kids are distracted by other problems

-as early as 15 months children responded to negative videotape of adults fighting

-people in unhappy marriages do not treat their children as well as those in happy marriages

-aggression between spouses is related to aggression in the children - parent relationship

-children most upset after viewing PHYSICAL violence in family conflicts

styles - habitual or patterned responses to conflict

tactics - smaller, individual moves that people enact to carry out their style

-nonconfrontation ->avoidance, withdrawl, indirectness, retreat, flight

-solution orientation ->reasoning, compromies, expression of mutual agreement, logic, negotiation, increase time

-control ->personal criticism, rejection, hostile jokes, blame, accusation, condemnation, attack

-reframe -> change the way problematic situations are viewed

1. Family Type -> for example blended families will make decisions differently than single-parent families, homosexual families want to have equality too, diff families make decisions based on finances, convenience, roles, rules, discussions

2. Culture -> for example some cultures (asians) value family more (collectivistic vs. individualistic)

Trivial (what are we eating for dinner) - can seem meaningless but they can have long term effects (eating fatty foods can lead to obesity)

Large (decision to move)

sometimes members have a say and sometimes they do not - determined by life experiences, roles & rules, who is effected, previous involvement, age, maturity, expertise in the topic

1. Appeals to Authority - defer to person who has power/status, as long as they agree then life is good "ducky" USE ON TEST!, sometimes it is divided on chores or jobs or cars etc

2. Rules - use rules to make decisions easier, steps, guidelines, structures, ex: everybody has a say, or each take a turn picking one thing from estate

3. Values - decisions based on values in families that have strongly articulated principles -> explicitly or indirectly stated (religion, social justice, racial equality) (ex: if they value education more than fun, vacation may be to a mueseum)

4. Discussion and Consensus - discussions on values, committed to the democratic process, all members have a voice and contribute evenly, all members are satisfied, works best if family is ok with sharing power, not always practical though and its very time consuming

5. De Facto Decisions - family does not actively engage in a specific decision, decision gets made by default (cant decide on vacation so you either dont go or go somewhere you dont want to go), allows members to escape responsibility for the repercussions of a decision

1. Frustration - aggression hypothesis -> personal goals are blocked, frustration sets in and people become more aggressive and threatening and violent

2. Catalyst Hypothesis - under certain conditions coercive (threats of leaving) communication serves as a catalyst (accelerates events) to violence in the family

3. Skill Deficiency - family members lack the communication skills needed to engage in constructive communication which leads to violence

1. We Live in a Violent Society - People are exposed to a great deal of violence on TV and it affects us, people go unpunished, negative effects rarely shown -> music, games, news, movies, cartoons

2. Violence is Gendered - Males are superior to women, m-f relationships are framed as unequal with males typically possessing more power

3. Violent Episodes may be perceived differently - cultured interpretations, individuals and households  may hold different interpretations, some families have different levels of tolerence of violence

4. Family Violence is not an isolated event - it is embedded in the process of IPC (interpersonal communication) which individuals use to regulate their lives, apply systems approach, interdependence, etc

VA messages target the individuals self confidence or worth (character, background, appearance)

often called "put-downs"

make others have feelings of inadequay, humiliation, depression, despair, hopelessness, embarrassment, and anger

messages include blame, physical appearance attacks, teasing, threats, sexual harrassment

they have a lower need for social desirability or the need to respond to others in a way that will elicit favorable impressions

often deal with it because they are trapped by the connection or know they can get away with stuff because of connection

some parents believe they are better parents if they punish a child verbally instead of hitting their child

VA can be treated with com interventions

expectations are the goals you strive for, can come from traditions, your culture, society, personal requirements for success and achievement, when you meet or exceed your expecations you are rewarded, when you dont meet them people are disappointed

-if your parents have high expectations of you then they need rules in place to follow through

Western - sleepovers, parties, playdates, are accepted and encouraged, TV and computer games, choices in extracurricular activities, reward effort, trying is important, protect childs self esteem, emphasize sports over academics and music, everyone is a winner!,emphasize socialization and relationships, individualistic

Chinese - no sleepovers or playdates, no tv or computer games, no chioce in extra curricular activities, no grade less than an A+, expecation of being #1 student in all subjects except gym and drama, play piano or violin, collectivistic,

EVERYONE WINS!

no reason to try harder because theres not an extra reward

millenials... generation born between 1980-2001

-violate employeers perception of this, have found that millenials have a strong sense of entitlement

-work expections are unrealistic

-some exhibit strong sense of entitlement

-this comes from being coddled as a child

-blame parents, teachers, coaches (protect your self esteem instead of being real)

-they want to make our experiences different than theirs

-roles -> critical components of family life and help the family function and develop, as they offer perscriptions for individual behaviors. not always easily accepted, some conflict may result from roles that sieem a poor fit with the player

-rules -> offer guidance and prescriptions regarding the boundaries of appropriate behavior for family members, extremely important for family functions, as they can establish stability, coordinate family behavior establish overall framework for the familys interactions

families are systems -> all work together in inter-related parts, something happens to one part it effects the whole

-all systems are rule governed -> bed time, what you say to mom, what you say to dad, etc

What are ROLES and how are they acquired?

Role Taking

Role Evaluation

-socially constructed patterns of behaviors and sets of expectations that provide us with a positions in our family -we learn our roles from: other family members, socially constructed, media, interactions

-act as guidelines for communicating with others

-role taking -> deciding to play a particular role cognitively -> intraperson process (occurs w/i your head- caretaker, mediater, supporter through divorce)

-role evaluation ->deciding how well you assume or play the role -> interpersonal and interpersonal process (going on inside your head, but people often give you feedback)

What are the 5 role assumptions?

Two types of role conflict.

What are role models?

1. Role Postions Implies Value -> roles are typically created around significant family values ex: more values on male sons more on golden child, responsibility

2. we enact various roles at various times in life and they change

3. Expectations influence our roles -> role expectations- internalized sets of beliefs about the way we function in a particular role (expectations may differ from reality, we learn from this)

-role conflict -> intrapersonal with one member, when someone is called upon to fulfill a role that does not feel right, intrapersonal when two people want to assume the same role

4. Roles are a product of our observations and experiences (what are role models -> people whos roles we mimic or model, because we believe they exemplify the roles we want to play)

5. Roles serve various functions in the family ->heirarchy, decision making, disciplinarian, power structure, silly (comic relief)

Gender Roles

What is gender role socialization?

differences between males and females is getting smaller

females - cooking, cleaning, laundry

males - fixing, mowing

-expectations assigned to masculinity and feminity

GRS - process by which men and women learn what is appropriate and expected for their sex

children are socialized through family schools, etc

1. starts at birth (colors you wear, toys you get, how theyre talked to)

2. by 2, kids develop gendered sense of self

3. parental treatment differs -> different chores assigned, maybe be more/less strict, differ in extracurricular, different dating standards

4. variability in treatment and explanations of male and female

5. TOYS!!

defined as perscribed guidelines for action, they come from family roles and rules are shaped by roles

-repetitive patterns of behavior that effect human interactions

-discovered by looking at repetitive patterns of behaviors

-rules are: followable, prescribed behaviors that are contextual, vary in diff situations, mandatory, preferred, or prohibitive

1. Rules may be explicit (verbal out in the open ex: no texting at the dinner table) or implicit (non verbals, all commonmight sense ex: expected to share day) thriving in family require knowledge of both types

2. Rules evolve over time -> curfew changes as you age, change with society

3. Rules work best when they are agreed upon by all and when they meet all of their needs, and when they are reinforced/enforced

4. Rules are effected by cultural trends, family reflects the times that we live in, ex: pharmacuetical commercials -> trojan, ED, BC

1. rules determine what families can discuss, taboo topics may be money, health issues, drugged up prostituting aunt sheila

2. rules determine how to talk about topics ex: may explain bad bike accident in a light way to grandma

3. rules determine who  gets to be included ex: dont include kids in decision on family vacation